Last week, I lost a friend. But the truth is, I lost her a long time ago. You see, we hadn't been close for years, and although there was a time that we were together more than we were apart, our lives went in different directions after High School. Now I find myself aching for someone that hasn't been part of my life for over a decade.
I miss her.
I miss our elaborate plans to ditch school. I miss sitting
in crappy restaurants laughing our heads off in the middle of the
night. I miss watching sad movies that made us cry. I miss cruising
State Street and sitting at the light pretending to get into screaming
fights and laughing at the reactions in the cars around us. I miss
singing to Grease and Springsteen. I miss yelling "New Kids Rule!" I
miss sitting on the floor in my room talking and giggling and eating chocolate. I miss our starry-eyed plans to be rich and famous and amazing.
I hate that I have hardly any pictures of us. We didn't have cell phones, and who would bother with a camera? Besides, the stupid stuff we did together didn't seem noteworthy enough to document, and more likely than not, we didn't want any evidence for our parents to see.
I hate that I never told her how much she meant to me. How as a teenager, she made me feel cool when I was awkward, and loved when I was insecure.
I hate that it's too late to tell her now.
I hate that I was too lazy, or too proud, or too indifferent to send her a message on Facebook. I hate that I just thought that too much time had passed, and if she was interested, she would be the one to reconnect with me. I hate that she was suffering and desperate and alone, and I wasn't there to help her. I hate that there are four kids feeling guilty and hollow and wondering what happened to their mom.
I love that I have memories. I love that I have a heart on my ankle that will always remind me of a crazy night in a tattoo parlor. I love that she gave me my first bottle of grown-up perfume. I love that I can almost remember her giggly laugh if I try hard enough. I love that I still have her packet of bobby-pins that she made me promise to return after graduation, but I just hadn't gotten around to it. I love that she was part of my life and that she saw in me something special, and that we connected.
I love that she is at peace now.
I feel your pain. Such honesty and emotion. I appreciate you sharing from your heart. Don't let this chance pass by to be of service to her children. Regret is horrible; action redeeming.
ReplyDeleteA wonderful tribute.
ReplyDeleteJen, that is so heartfelt and touching. What a beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteLook at how cute you kids are.
ReplyDeleteI believe that New Kids Rule as well.
You're story makes me want to reconnect with friends I've drifted from.
It touched my heart.
Thank you.